I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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