Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
