singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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