i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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