Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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