And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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