I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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