Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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