I met the friendliest cop last night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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