Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
