Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
