No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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