my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He better not be in your backpack
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
