1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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