I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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