I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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