I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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