I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
