so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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