Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
