I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
