I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
