I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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