Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
