Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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