Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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