i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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