I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
