I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
