and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
