Well douche your snatch and let's go!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
