k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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