Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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