you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
