He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
