Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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