Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The best revenge is premature balding
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
