party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
