We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
