we have pet lesbian snakes
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
