I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
