shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
