I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
