Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
