a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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