we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
