Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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