the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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