So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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