no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
