I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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