I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
