Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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