My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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