Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
