I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
