Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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