So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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