My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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